Talking about my Schizophrenia and Delusional disorder in detail etc.

My Schizophrenia and entertainment and influence and delusional disorder etc.

I definitely have a delusional disorder which is why I need my antipsychotics to stabilize my mood and it levels me out, the benzo is optional and I can manage without it. I am scared of the day I do get a girlfriend she would make me quit benzos, and I enjoy the feeling to much but I don’t abuse them I take them as prescribed, I do not seek relationships, I follow my inner voice, which is my schizophrenia, and maybe angels watch over me. Maybe we are all spirits in this world wandering for hope, and hope and love can exist for everyone even serious criminals and pedophiles.

Mercy and reform can happen in prison. I did tell a therapist at the rehab I was at that if the universe had a sense of humor, Hitler who died in his evil ways became a kid in heaven or something, stuck like that for 50 years to learn about all the people he hurt, and he had to watch other people enjoy their life while he suffered and repented.

But I am not perfect, I am no Hitler, but I have said bad things, some which I can blame on my illness maybe I could own up to it, but maybe I am not competent enough to own up to everything, because they actually said I was incompetent in court all the time, I do not even know if I am capable of being in a relationship, I just get to scared easily, and it is not my fault. Everyone is different, but I think one day our time will come, and I recently saw my lady friend but it cost a pretty penny, I trust she doesn’t do drugs, I get depressed and lonely, and my nerves get to me, I wish I could ask out a girl, I am so overly obsessive.

I feel like I can hear voices and here is what I learn sometimes it is my delusional disorder. Like some of my comments about the spirit world and fantasy writing may not make sense to some of you, but it just means that I am letting my thoughts on paper. And something I learned in rehab is coping with obsessive thoughts, I learned it from a therapist named Maxiel, lol she was stupid thick and short like an umpa lumpa lmao. But I loved her, and she said some things about how we need to control our thoughts, and in reality I feel almost like we are all robots made by the universe or something divine that wants to test us throughout our life.

The test of life could be a girlfriend which could be a gift or a curse, because trust me I have seen some unhealthy relationships between partners, and sometimes I wonder how on earth do they “bang” or “love” each other. Maybe I am just an a hole for thinking that, even in rehab I judged most of them very harshly.

One girl loved to throw up all the time, and wear rugrats t shirts, and she kept talking about pedophiles, and she said she was abused when she was 15. I felt bad for her, but she also said something like really dumb like “Don’t I look 15 years old? Could I pass for 15?” I laughed so hard but in reality she has a serious mental problem to think she is that young, and I feel bad that she was raped and assaulted not good.

I hope my fans can forgive me I am conflicted about some of my songs because they can be graphic only like 5 or 10 of them have inappropriate comments which I thought were funny at the time about children and it was not right of me to make them, I do realize that I have isolated the universe because of my schizophrenia, and it drives me crazy I could have sworn I even heard someone say “correct” loud in my ear.

I have other stories where I scared my parents, but you know these are my secrets, I need to share them otherwise I get super depressed and need another benzo, I don’t want to drown my pain, or at least all the time. I did give up drinking and I did give up smoking cigarettes, and I hate weed, but I realize I am a mental health expert myself because I struggle. I wonder should I ever share those songs again or just the majority that are clean and don’t talk about abuse, wish I had feedback from fans but I have only met like a few In my life and they were all close to me. I could have like 10 million fans in Asia who are cops and security guards and CIA and their families, but is that a delusion?

And I only drink the liquid death drink that has no flavor because after drinking a few of those delicious mango flavored ones I gained like 2 or 3 pounds and I was in shock bro, I avoid drinking sugar etc.

I wonder if Drake and Eminem are really as rich as the internet claims they are, because it could be a lie, they are recruited by the CIA at the very least to catch bad people, so they are actors but they make great music with good messages or shady messages, like undercover cops, I doubt Drake is this arrogant guy, I think he has a big heart but he probably has gotten a lot of the women he sleeps with in trouble for drug use and drug trafficking and other crimes. Or maybe it is my delusional disorder talking

(fry from futurama a great legend) Maybe Fry could be an angel in heaven and we see him in the after life with juice world.

Trappin in paradise 121